Worry wart

Hello again, I thought I would take the time on this blog to delve into a uncomfortable topic for many on twitter. feelings. Yes, we all have them. Some, like I mentioned just a second ago, would rather not talk about them because let's be honest, who cares what others think? Then there are those that sometimes let their guard down and openly talk about them. I guess this post falls into the latter.

I have had great difficulty in the past expressing my feelings, partially because at times it feels like I'm showing/expressing them into a void and nobody's around to listen; or worse yet, the object of my desire will let it go one ear and out the other. Then, I fall into the trap of trying too hard, and ten times out of ten, it ends up badly.

I've had several near-misses, and three relationships that I can say I've been in. Two lasted six weeks each; in 2001 and 2005. The other was an online fling in 2009 with a woman from Germany that dissolved suddenly. According to her, she received a message from someone in my family that threatened her daughter. Making this more far fetched was that she never showed me any message she got, and never talked to me ever again afterwards. But enough about that. My point is I feel like I'm the only adult who isn't in a monastery who has yet to be in a fulfilling long-term relationship.

Fast forward to present-day. I find myself suddenly fascinated with a woman I discovered on twitter. Some of you may know who I'm referring to, but I won't mention her by name. I knew already that this was going to be a stretch; we're literally on opposite sides of the country. Thing is, does she really know how I feel about her and does she care? She hasn't been online the past few days, and I'm worried, that usually isn't me. Maybe because it's something I've longed for and for so long; the fact that I do matter to someone, that's driving me batty. Since I met her online, I've restarted this blog and began posting regularly again.  I guess you could say I've come out of my shell a bit.

But even that has me worried; I'm at the intersection of not doing enough and trying too hard. Even as I write this, there's things I want her to know (so that she can know me better) but are afraid to do so. My daughter Kaylee being one of those things. I've always...ALWAYS felt that I was inadequate, even if it isn't true. Years and years of falling flat on your face will do that to man, that and being overlooked and underappreciated.

I just wanted to put this out in hopes that the woman I'm talking about sees this. They say you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Well, I guess this is the best shot I can take.



CT